4/28 - Absence

My biggest problem recently is recognizing that something is important, sometimes critical, before it slips away or becomes unavailable.

I have been blessed by being born into a pretty well-off family. But there is nothing I hate more than asking for money. Today, I sold some cds and books to buy a snare drum head, and spent my monthly 50 bucks on a bass drum head. They were important, and I thought about my decision; it wasn't like I bought them on impulse. But I will have to make some sacrifices, not do laundry and eat cafeteria food until I'm done with the semester, and it will be tough for me. In this situation, I look back at the times where I spent my money on food, going to concerts, and buying music, and I wonder if I made the right decisions. Probably not.

Recently, I realized that losing a friend means more than finding someone else to pass time with. Sometimes, losing a friends means losing other friends, and I may have lost my place in a community. I lost a lot more than just a person when I lost my friend, and as I recollect, I wish I hadn't been such a fool and taken anyone for granted.

In other ways, absence can be a good thing. I burned another bridge, and though it may not have been the best thing to do for the both of us, it was the best thing to do for me, and it was the best thing to do for the other person. And in burning that bridge, a weight has been lifted, and I feel a little lighter.

Absence can be musical, or not musical. Just as sound is powerful, the absence of sound is also powerful, and neither is more important because they depend on each other for their worth. It would be terrible if everything made noise all the time, and it would be just as terrible if nothing made noise ever.

In another sense, just as intention is powerful, the absence of intention is also powerful. Sounds created intentionally are usually meant to mean specific things, and these things can be important and interesting. But some sounds are made unintentionally or unconsciously, and these sounds are also important and interesting, in a different sense. There is a difference between actions made consciously and actions made subconsciously, and, to me at least, it is intriguing, and I would like to understand why there is a difference.

In another sense, just as the desire to find meaning is powerful, the absence of the desire to find meaning is also powerful. Pieces can seem to mean more if it is understood that they were composed about a certain subject matter, or ambient noise is sometimes more comforting if whatever is producing the noise is known. But there are some things that are beautiful because they don't mean anything, and there are some events that happen just because they happen. It is beautiful for anything to be happening at all.

"If you listen to Beethoven or Mozart you see that they are always the same. But if you listen to traffic, you see that it is always different."



M